Addiction (A Poem)

Addiction
Replete with silence
mistaken for taken sides
an escape artist
i’ve mastered the illusion of being here

with my hands bound i drown

sinking into a sea of misery
escaping from reality.

seagulls’ echoed cries of agony and

hunger pierce the surface
of this mirrored illusion. refractions of
sparkling lights and distorted fantasies
dance like idyllic reruns on a liquid screen.

filled with conflict and struggle

i look for distractions in actions
-typical American response really-
there’s always something out there,
to make it all better again.

i transform the object into what i need,

simultaneously the object transforms me
again and again.

this sinking does not have a sinking feeling

in the vastness of expanse i close my eyes
it feels like a primordial womb
a viscid mix: sediment and water
walls of feathery pink tissue undulate
purple fingerling tendrils caress me
they are and are not my body

heartbeats and pressure builds

compressing coralline ribs
split fragments pierce lungs
forgotten -what was i escaping?

somewhere in between

reverberations and nothingness,
swallowed in the abyss
where even a thousand buddhas couldn’t
hear my song,

bottomless shadows fill the sea

i writhe
singing back into infinity
this void holds no sound
i’m bound to repetition.

Buddhadoshā

Have you ever had a word, perhaps foreign, perhaps just some gibberish made up in your head, come to mind? Has that ever happened? because it happened to me recently. The word? Doshā, sometimes Dosā, apparently in Japanese, dôsha. A word I’m pretty sure I’ve never heard before, and though it’s entirely possible, even probable that I read it somewhere and stored it away in the ol’ subconscious, still it feels surreal, meaningful, even spiritual. So a quick Google search to find its meaning, because for it to have any connection, any real meaning it has to be defined. Buddhadôsha, not sure why but, no results on Google. I figured well dôsha is the actual word, so what, if anything, does dôsha mean? Is it even a word or a complete fiction?

Dosha, in sanskrit, according to Google, literally translates as fault/disease. Since this unknown word with unknown origin appeared in my mind, it must clearly mean something in particular about me, thus the reason for trying to ascribe meaning to it, so I can also ascribe meaning to myself. And to think the word that represents me means Afflicted. That won’t do. Though it does sort of ring true to some extent and, well has sort of defined the way I’ve thought about myself for a while, but still not the meaning I was hoping for.

I also saw a lot of Japanese results come up, apparently the Japanese word means earth, sediment, sand. There’s even a kanji to go with it, I could be one of those people that get the tattoo! (Tongue firmly in cheek) Anyway, I like that result better. The ground, the base, the support. Different throughout the world’s regions, though always the same, always providing, sustaining. Like the earth’s people in a way.

After some further research I came to find the Wikipedia for dosha. Apparently there are three doshas that are the base for a person’s body and are the makeup for the physiological functions. So again the ideas of base, support, and sustaining qualities come up (although these doshas seem to have a negative connotation, perhaps someone who knows better can help me out here.) Further research thanks to this site which was awesome and extremely helpful, found that within Buddhism dosha is the pali word for aversion; or anger, within the three poisions  of the mind.

Now things seem to be getting more personal. I have struggled with anger in particular for a long time. Only recently have I become strong enough to try to do something about it.

Dosa has destructive nature. It is very ugly. It hurts anyone anything. Dosa destroys its home and its environment. In the presence of dosa everything wicked and unhumanly things can be committed.

Dosa is aggressive, just like a snake which has been hit. The function of dosa is spreading of itself or writhing as
when poison takes effect. Dosa is harmful for mind and body. Because of dosa our appearance becomes ugly: we may become red in the face, our features become unpleasant and the comers of our mouth droop.

Dosa can also appear as fear. When there is fear one dislikes the object which is experienced. Fear is harmful for mind and body.

-from the above mentioned site

As you learn in Buddhism there is no fight, no good vs. evil, because within one thing there is everything else; enlightenment lies within your afflictions; on one side is hatred or anger on the other side of that hatred or anger is transformed into love, and compassion. So our afflictions are not something to run away from, or to do battle with, or to be shoved away and forgotten about. This is in a lot of respects a goal for me, I have, I believe, a high capacity for love and compassion, because of my struggles with anger. I see anger in a different way, I see the way I transmit it to my wife and kids, I see the way others use anger, I hear the news that is fueled with anger, and I want for nothing more than to be a support, a base, a sustaining soil for the qualities of love and compassion.

So welcome to the world Buddhadoshā. Buddha, because it is the source, the source of all the psychology, philosophy, and spirituality that wisdom springs from. And doshā because it, apparently, has some meaning to me.

Down

Well I've been
Spending so
Much time
Creating
These little
Battlefields.

I don't want to be down,
Want to be down,
Want to be down,
Like that anymore.

And I been
Stickin' around,
Stickin' around,
Stickin' around,
Trying to win.

No, I don't want
To be
Down, down, down,
Down, down
For the rest of my life.

I spent too much time
Feeling like I
Feeling like I
Like I'm the only one.

Now I keep

Kickin' around
Kickin' around
Kickin' around

Thinking you've
Been messin' around
And now I
Spend too much time
Struggling
All of my life
Mm-mmm all of my life
All of my life.

Now I keep

Runnin' around
Runnin' around
Runnin' around

Creating these
Little battlefields
For myself.
Drawin' those lines
Looking for signs
That I'm not the only one.

I spend too much time
Too much time
Too much time
Bein'
Down, down, down,
Down, down,
Down, next to you.



*Edit: changed formatting and added link.