Brushing My Teeth in the Mirror I Consider My Own Autopsy Report

Nearing the exit to the business district. Gas/food next right. You take notice of a feeling of unfamiliarity. No matter how familiar you are with her, her sharp angled lines, her cold mirror exterior, she always keeps you at arms-length. Wisps of tailpipe smoke. the noiseless chatter of thought. hustling. crosswalk signals. sinuous static of traffic through your window. morning glare and shadow. glare and shadow. Briefly you think of home

Madrona

Look! A madrona

in the front yard

-how lucky


The Pacific Madrone, known colloquially as the Madrona here in the Seattle area -for some reason. Often seen on the outline of conifer stands, on slopes and edges of hills, twisting it’s smooth red trunk in all directions, overlooking bodies of water. It flowers are white which produce a red berry that the robins and other birds love to eat. It’s considered good luck if you buy a house with a Madrona tree on the property. If for nothing else than having the luxury of looking out and seeing it’s striking beauty year roun

Snow Melt and Padded Grass

We had a snow day today and took the dog out for a walk, he loves the snow. We passed a flock of ducks who have made a neighbors front yard their gathering place. They flew off as soon as Odin took interest. Seconds later sparrows came down from the trees and rooftops, so I wrote:

sparrows sift

through snow melt

and padded grass.

Practice

I was sitting on the couch the other day, slouched, when i happened to notice my belly bobbing; up and down, up and down. For some reason it struck me, so i stayed with it, trying not to take it over and make a ‘good’ breath happen, i just watched and felt. This is it, this is breathing. This is what i was doing while watching tv, while flipping through my phone, while occupying my time. This is it, just this. And the moment went away.

I do that a lot; try to make a good breath. What is a good breath? Is it one where i feel all tingly after, is it one where i watch it going in and then trail off into thought as it peaks only to retrain my focus on the out and then think, yeah i watched it that time, that was good. I can try to take control, i want to take control, but it rarely turns out the way i like it, there’s always something that needs to be tweaked, so that i can attain to something that perhaps isn’t even there. I always have another reason to take over, to make my breath fit into my definition of a good breath, but it turns out awkward and unfulfilling.

I’ve noticed this in my daily life as well, be it with myself, my kids or my wife; i have an expectation and try to take control of the outcome so that it fits within my definition of good, though the outcome always ends just like my breathing, and so i have to look within, and ask what is the intention and are my actions in line, i have to drop my idea of the good and recognize that control is an illusion, that there will always be something to tweak, and that regardless if things turn out the way i wanted i will still be left feeling a little unsatisified.

Habitually taking control -loosen up and let things happen.